So, I feel I should update upon the boy situation. Lots more drama. You think I’d learn? Denial is a powerful beast when you want something.
So, about a week after he started dating the other girl, it became obvious that the relationship wasn’t serious at all. I got up some nerve and I flat out asked his girlfriend, who is a friend of mine, if I would be allowed to touch said boy if he came to Manhattan with me for a bit. She said she didn’t care. I was like, sweet! The boy was ok with it too, and exited to visit, so I took him to Manhattan for 6 days, It was what we had planned before the whole dating thing started.
The week was awesome! We had so much fun. He always walked the dogs with me, and did the dishes after I cooked, lol. I hate the dishes, and he said it was the least he could do for food and shelter. He also helped me put my futon together. I honestly could not have put it up with out him. We watched all of Chobbits and Berserk, and went to the zoo. After the zoo, we had a picnic in a cemetery. It was a lot of fun to walk around. There were some beautiful head stones. He’s the first boy that I can hold hands with, without it being awkward! lol. He’s not much taller than I am, so it worked out really well.
Oh, I should mention that the sex was awesome ^_~
Eventually, the week came to an end and I had to take him back. I had a flight to catch to Texas. I promised my aunt I’d help her move. I cried when I dropped him off. I missed him a lot when I was in Texas ^^;
Texas was pretty fun. It was really nice to see my aunt again. I expected to do a lot of cleaning, from like 9am to 7pm or something, but I ended up watching more TV than cleaning, lol. My aunt got me hooked on the show MI5, from the UK. It’s really good, and deep!
I learned some new things about said boy while I was in Texas, through texts and phone calls, and I got a lot of lectures from my aunt about him. She REALLY didn’t like him, and was convinced he’s bad news. I knew where she was coming from, and she made valid points, but I wasn’t going to be serious with him . . . I knew from the beginning that he wasn’t long term material, but I could still have fun for a while, right?
I was so exited to see him when I got back on Tuesday. I only had three nights and two days, because I had to leave for my grandmothers that Friday. I do have an ear infection, so there was a chance that I could use that as an excuse to not go visit my grandmother. I know that sounds horrible, but I’m always so bored at my grandmother’s house. That’s where I’m writing this, actually.
Anyway, we hung out again the night I got back, and I ended up sleeping over with him, his girlfriend, and a mutual friend. I left the next morning while he was still asleep (he had had insomnia for a while and this was the first time he’d slept in 3 days), and everything seemed OK. I noticed slightly different behavior in his girlfriend, and I realized that I might have crossed a line when I slept over, but she said she didn’t care when I asked her if I could sleep over . . .
I had to leave early because I had to make a doctors appointment for my ear infection, then actually go to it. I’ve got meds now, so hopefully it clears up soon.
I get a call later that day. It’s from the boy! And he’s telling me that his girlfriend suddenly became possessive, and that I probably shouldn’t see him that night to give his girlfriend some time to chill.
I’m like ok, I’m slightly upset but I’ll deal. He’s not my boyfriend after all, and It’s not like I couldn't see him the next day, right? We ended up talking on AIM all day, and well into the night. We talked about anything and everything, lol. I even downloaded the AIM app for my phone because my mother, father and I had to go pick up my brother from the airport. His plane was an hour late. Before I went to bed, we ended up talking on the phone for and hour and a half. I was sad to end the conversation, but I’d had a pretty good day.
The next morning I wake up to the boy calling. I was a little bit exited, because I had a mini day trip planned with him. I pick up the phone, and he tells me that after he fell asleep, his girlfriend got onto the computer and read our IMs. I would like to point out that this was snooping, and none of her business! Anyway, she’s now decided that she doesn’t want an open relationship anymore, and is now really pissed at the boy. Neither of us can remember what on earth we could have said that would make her so upset. So he tells me that she is his girlfriend, and that he doesn’t want to talk to me until this is worked out.
Needless to say I was crying on and off all that day. I had deluded myself . . . AGAIN! I’m not in it for long term, so why am I so upset? I mean, yeah, he is the first boy in 5 years that I’ve been attracted to, but that shouldn’t be so important . . . should it?
I wasn’t expecting to talk to him for at least a few days, if again, so I’m surprised when he calls me that night. He’s saying that his girlfriend is refusing to talk to him about it, and is still really pissed at him. He can’t get her to even answer his questions. She just answers without answering. He's not even sure if they are still dating. He asks if he can come stay with me in Manhattan again for a while, if that is still an option for him. I, being the stupid person I am, say sure, not a problem. I mean, who wants to stay with someone who’s pissed at them, and won’t even tell them why? I forgive to easily, that’s my problem.
Oh, I should probably mention that he’s going back to Tennessee, his home, for about two months. He wants to get a job, get his teeth looked at, and tie up some loose ends. He’d planed to go back some time in August. After that, he was going to live with his girlfriend for 4 to 8 months. Granted, she had planned to break up with him when he went to Tennessee, so they would just be friends when he was living with her after that. If he was going to stay with me in Manhattan, then I would have taken him to Tennessee, or given him bus money, then he would have come to live with me again afterward, rather than his current girlfriend. I was going to take him back by August 1st, because that’s his mother’s birthday, and she wanted him to be there.
That night I end up hanging out with him in a park. He’s pretty down, and I’m not incredibly happy with him, but we talked, and before long were having fun. I have to admit I was exited to see him, because I honestly thought I wasn’t going to see him again. I didn’t want to say goodbye when he walked me to my car, but it was late, and I was traveling the next day.
We did work out that he wanted to stay for the weekend to see if he could work things out, so I decided that if I couldn’t hang out with him anyway, I might as well go to my grandmothers. I do feel slightly guilty that I didn’t really want to go, and still don’t really want to be here. My grandmother won’t be around much longer, and I should spend time with her, even if we have nothing in common.
So, he texts me today. He’s decided that he’s not going to Manhattan at all, and he’s going to stay and try to work things out.
I had deluded myself . . . YET AGAIN! This is the third fucking time! Have I learned yet? Gods I hope so. I hate drama, and the pain of this is really starting to get to me. Being on the side sucks, and just reminds me that I’m number 2 and always will be. I’m not important enough. My walls are starting to go up again whether I want them to or not, and my inner voice has made me cry a lot more that it usually does.
Now that he’s staying, she’s taking him back to Tennessee on the 7th. If that’s ok, then why was it so important that I get him there by the 1st? Getting him there by the first was going to be really complicated and hard for me, but I was still going to do it. I’m so frustrated with him!
Sorry for the complaining. I’m just wondering if I write this down, maybe I’ll finally just stop talking to him for good. I value his friendship, but I can’t keep this shit up.
I wish he’d just make up his mind. It’s not like his relationship with her is serious in the first place. Hell, it’s not like my relationship with him is serious, so why do I even care?!
Sorry for ranting. Will the creature of denial and delusion please let go? I want my rational, grounded self back. Thanks.
Denial has proven to be much to powerful for me.
(2 hours later)
So, I just talked with him on the phone. We might not be talking? May not even be friends anymore? Most probably never see him again. His bridges with me have been burned at this point, but I am so weak when it comes to him, that they could easily be built again.
I am in between the worlds of delusion and reality. I am finally out of the fantasy land, have no idea how I feel, and hope I can make it back to the real world. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to come back from a dream.
I keep looking, and hoping for there to be some way to have both, but that's what I was trying to do that ended up leading me to this point. I have to choose one or the other, don't I? If those are indeed my choices, it's really not much of a choice, is it? I have to pick reality, or I will forever be in pain for wanting what I can't have.
He made me so happy, and yet I've never had one person make me cry so much.